


Touched

by betsybo



Series: Senses [1]
Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s05e03 Terrorform, Fix-It, Gen, Gen or Pre-Slash, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, or some variation of it, the conversation that should have happened at the end of terrorform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-18
Updated: 2018-10-18
Packaged: 2019-08-03 22:56:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16334828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/betsybo/pseuds/betsybo
Summary: Lister and Rimmer have a little talk after escaping the psi-moon.Fix-it fic for 'Terrorform’.





	Touched

**Author's Note:**

> I know there are loads of post-Terrorform fics... it's sort of like a rite of passage for this fandom, isn't it? But I had to go ahead and write my own, so here we are. *hugs Rimmer*

It started with a chorus of, ‘No!’

 

Rimmer retreated to _Starbug’s_ kitchen, the sting of humiliation not quite as bad as he supposed it could have been. He stared numbly around the room. He’d known he wasn’t cared for so deeply, of course. But for just a moment he’d been made to hope. It would have been nice, at the very least, to hear the guys tell him he was all right. More from Lister than the Cat or Kryten – those two had never really warmed to him, and the feeling was mutual. He could still feel a tingling sensation from where Lister had touched his thigh – the first bit of true human contact in... he couldn’t remember how long. Nipple-fondling temptresses who assisted in you being tortured to death didn’t really count. And it seemed that neither had that small touch on his leg, either.

 

There was a shuffling sound behind him, and Rimmer tensed, focusing intently on the coffee machine that he only just remembered he couldn’t work.

 

‘Oi,’ came Lister’s voice. ‘I want a word with you.’

 

‘I’m tired, Lister,’ Rimmer bit out, not turning around. ‘You rescued me, and you’ve already stopped pretending to care.’

 

There was silence for a moment, and then he heard Lister step into the kitchen and approach, and he finally turned to face him. Lister’s gaze was fierce as he came right up to Rimmer, and the taller man swallowed and tried his best not to back up.

 

He wasn’t afraid of the little goit – hardly. But there was something about Lister when he was in this kind of mood – whatever it was – when his eyes flashed and his voice went low, his accent thickening as he got right up in Rimmer’s space, despite being half a head shorter. It was at times like this Rimmer thought it wise to remember that Lister once met a Simulant head-on while recovering from space mumps. It would be enough to give anyone pause.

 

‘You really are something else, aren’t you?’ said Lister, shaking his head.

 

‘Oh, were there more insults you wanted to get off your chest?’ asked Rimmer with fake cheer. ‘Some might say I’ve had quite enough for an entire lifetime, but you’re right! You all had your fun – making me believe you thought I was this great guy, and then you ripped the rug out from under my feet. You may as well kick me while I’m down.’

 

‘You’re _not_ this "great guy!”’ snapped Lister, leaning back to gesture furiously. ‘You’re barely an “okay” guy – there’s nothing easygoing about you! From the moment we met, you made no secret of the fact you couldn’t stand me. You’ve bullied Kryten since he joined us – I’ll give you the Cat since he makes about as much effort as you do – maybe even _less_. You bitch and moan about everything, you go on and on about your failings – and yet _nothing_ is ever your fault.’

 

‘Anything else?’ said Rimmer dully, his chest feeling very tight all of a sudden.

 

‘ _Plenty_. But you’re _part_ of this crew, man. We wouldn’t have left you. Not ever.’

 

Lister was glaring at him – impudent little gimboid! As if Rimmer should have realised it all on his own. As if he’d had any reason to hope that they would return for him. As if he should _still_ have hope after what they'd just done.

 

‘Why not?’ he retorted, unable to contain himself. ‘You’d be quick to find my replacement.’

 

Lister frowned.

 

‘What are you talking about?’ he asked.

 

 ‘The _Enlightenment_ ,’ hissed Rimmer, and Lister’s eyes widened in surprise.

 

‘ – You were pretty quick to go, man.’

 

‘You wanted me gone!’

 

‘See, that’s the thing – _I_ didn’t!’ Lister laughed, a bitter, hollow sound. ‘But I thought maybe it could be really great for you, if that’s what you wanted – which I thought you _did_. If going off with those smegheads would have made you happy, then who would I have been, stopping you? I _know_ how you feel about being trapped on the _‘Dwarf_. I don’t blame you – you didn’t choose it any more than I did.’ He heaved a sigh, leaning on the counter, his eyes big and sad. ‘I thought there might have been someone – you know? Someone you liked on there.’

 

Rimmer stiffened.

 

How could Lister have known about that? Had it been written all over his face when he’d returned?

 

The thing was, Rimmer hadn’tfallen in love with Nirvanah. He’d been attracted to her, liked her a great deal, and been deeply touched by what she’d tried to do for him. He could never have allowed her to give up her place – her _life_ – for him. It had made him understand (even reluctantly) what love could be. And maybe, if there had been a way for him to stay on the _Enlightenment_ with her, they could have found love. But that scenario was entirely hypothetical. Love was still strictly forbidden on the Holoship, with most of the crew condemning such emotions. Bunch of goits.

 

He was no fool – well, he _was_. He was a complete fool. But he knew his own limitations. Even with Nirvanah’s sacrifice, Captain Platini had known Rimmer passed on a fluke. In some other universe, he might have succeeded in cheating his way on board, but it wouldn’t have taken his hologram crewmates five minutes before they realised he was a phony. The only things that had really drawn him in were the shiny officers’ badges and the sex – more with Nirvanah than anyone else, anyway. She was the only one who had seemed to be really looking at him when she made an offer, who had seemed to actually _like_ him. She’d been a friend, a true friend. But he suspected that she would have been his only friend on board a ship like the _Enlightenment_.

 

‘You don’t know anything about it,’ he said, sneering down at Lister.

 

Lister put his hands up as if to calm him.

 

‘I’m not prying – I’m just letting you know I thought maybe you’d found something really great there. They didn’t seem charmed by me, Cat or Krytes, but I thought maybe they’d be _your_ kind of people. All proper and organised, you know?’

 

Rimmer snorted. The real crux of his decision to try and find a place on the Holoship had been because he’d thought there wasn’t anything for him back on _Red Dwarf_. And now Lister was telling him – what? _What_ was he trying to tell him?

 

‘I’m sorry, guy,’ Lister continued, startling him. ‘Holly and Kryten thought it was a good idea to just keep things moving, and of course Cat agreed. I just didn’t argue. I should have done, but I didn’t. I’m sorry.’

 

Rimmer groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. It was one of life’s great mysteries that when Dave Lister was finally showing some remorse, he wasn’t able to find it funny. And that he believed it.

 

‘You thought I wasn’t coming back,’ he said, crossing his arms. ‘Why _shouldn’t_ you have looked for someone else? Somebody competent for a change.’

 

‘I know you think you’re useless.’ Lister shook his head. ‘You can’t touch anything and that’s not your fault – and it doesn’t make you useless. You’re dead and you still take your job more seriously than I do. You still care about stupid Space Corps Directives. You take charge – when we let you. You make an effort.’

 

‘Makes no difference though, does it? You’d still rather have Ace Rimmer than Arnold Rimmer. I don’t actually go out of my way to screw things up.’

 

‘I know, man. I know.’

 

‘I always have the best intentions... but then I chicken out. Or want too much. I can’t help it.’

 

‘Rimmer – nobody’s perfect. I know it’s a cliché, but... what I mean is – _I’ve_ done things I’m not proud of – especially when it comes to you. You drive me up the smegging walls. Every time I think I have you all figured out as this total arsehole, you go and remind me that you’re still human – that you have feelings just like the rest of us. Then I feel like the total smeghead I am. And then sometimes when I expect more of you, you let me down.’

 

Rimmer went to roll his eyes, but only got them halfway up before he had to look at the floor.

 

‘But you don’t like me,’ he said, meaning to ask _how_ Lister could expect more of him, but the words stuck in his throat.

 

‘No,’ said Lister, and Rimmer was surprised by how much that hurt, but then he continued. ‘I don’t like that you hate yourself so much. I don’t like that a part of that _thing_ we saw still lives in your mind.’ Lister reached up then, as though to rest his fingers against Rimmer’s temple, but he paused like that, with his hand outstretched. They were ten minutes too far from the psi-moon’s surface to touch now. ‘I don’t like that almost every conversation with you is such a smegging battle.’

 

Rimmer’s light bee was humming and pulsing somewhere inside him as he watched Lister pull his hand back.

 

‘We didn’t choose to be here together,’ said Lister. ‘We weren’t friends before the accident; we don’t even share the same tastes. But actually, I like you – quite a lot sometimes. I think of you as my friend, and I’m grateful having you in me life. Holly didn’t make a mistake when she brought you back.’

 

Before Rimmer could respond, Lister had moved away, walking to the door. He paused and turned back to look at him, his gaze still doing something odd to Rimmer’s insides.

 

‘And I can’t speak for the others,’ Lister said determinedly, ‘but I dolove you. Very much.’ And with that, he left.

 

Rimmer stared flabbergasted at the spot where Lister had just been; where he’d said _those words_.

 

He still felt tense, like he was on the edge of a sheer drop, but it was almost an excited feeling.

 

If he would ever have imagined hearing such declarations from Lister, he might have assumed he’d scoff at him. He would try to ridicule Lister and regain some of his dignity from where it had been shattered on that damned psi-moon. Even now, he was inclined to focus on the fact that the statement had been made out of earshot from Kryten and the Cat, which had to mean Lister was embarrassed of his feelings. And yet it didn’t feel that way at all. In truth, it was obvious to him that Lister hadn’t done so just because the Cat would surely mock them, or because Kryten would fret over his sanity. This felt private; deeper and more _important_ than anything they shared with the other two.

 

_‘I do love you. Very much.’_

 

Damn Lister for being able to say that with such poise. How _dare_ he say that and then walk away; as though he’d just announced he was going to put the kettle on or something! Where was his pride? His arrogance?

 

_‘I do love you.’_

 

Hearing that felt more powerful than when Rimmer had believed, for just those few seconds, that he was valued by all three of his crewmates. More powerful than that awful group hug – but then the mere touch of Lister’s hand upon his thigh had meant more than _that_.

 

_‘Very much.’_

He couldn’t stop thinking about Lister’s expression when he’d mentioned the _Enlightenment_. The uncertain look in his eye – the carefully placed words. The sadness about him.

 

No one had ever said they loved Rimmer. No one had ever looked at him or spoken to him with such intensity.

 

 

Later, when they were back on _Red Dwarf_ , Rimmer lay on his bunk. He was curled up safe on his mattress, away from all the screeches and cries of the terrorformed moon. Lister hadn’t complained that the lights were still on, or when he played his Hammond Organ music before they went to bed.

 

He looked up at the ceiling of his bunk; thinking of Lister all bundled up above it. He thought of his dark eyes fixed on him; his outstretched hand, his parted lips – those words. He shivered.

 

‘Lister?’ he said tentatively.

 

‘Yeah?’ came Lister’s whispered reply.

 

Rimmer hesitated. If he said ‘I love you’ back, it would make him sound foolish. Like they were in a relationship or something. That idea was too much for him to deal with right now.

 

Instead he murmured, ‘Thank you.’


End file.
